Feedback Assignment 1

I received feedback from my assignment while away and had to read it on my phone having waited ages to download it through some very skinny broadband.  After submitting the assignment I was eager for some kind of external validation to stay on track which is probably quite usual for people new to this way of studying.  So, when I did manage to download the email eventually I was really happy and relieved to receive positive feedback.

Some points:
'an eclectic set of photographs' - this was good to read but I do worry that this is really a way of saying I'm a bit of a magpie and copy anything I see (which I do) but have no actual direction of my own. I know that lots of people can take competent photographs but far fewer take photographs that are instantly recognisable as their own.  However, saying that I am aware that some photographers who's work I look at is wonderful, powerful and interesting but much of it looks very similar indeed.  I can see why someone would do this but I do not feel even remotely ready to limit myself in anyway.  Does this mean I will never have a style of my own, a distinctive voice, a readily recognisable aesthetic?  Perhaps I won't! Perhaps that is okay.  Or maybe I am mistaking what a distinctive voice actually is.  When I think of a 'voice' I wonder if I am thinking about it in too superficial a way.  If I think beyond the superficial then I wonder if developing a voice is about more than how images look - and rather what or how authentically the photographer is communicating. And perhaps related to communicating something that is a genuine, human, honest statement or ideas unhindered by - I'm struggling to find the right word - possibly, ego or affectation, and that is what finding a voice is about.

' A few more notes next to your actual photos would be welcome next time- not ones that are overly-focused on technical issues, but that talk about the images and what you were hoping to communicate/ achieve with them.' - I have endeavoured to do this and hope I am not merely babbling.  One of the things I don't do very well, which I imagine may be to do with lack of experience,  is plan ideas and then photograph them - because when I do they sometimes tend to end up being somewhat contrived as was accurately pointed out with a couple of images.  Instead I am more familiar with finding signs and symbols and stories in the work when reviewing it.  Saying that, I know I had ideas and thoughts as I was wandering round snapping on holiday and it was these 'thoughts' or 'themes' that I looked for when editing.  Although I do not use Photoshop extensively and am most definitely not a concept photographer I do think of the editing stage as integral to the whole process of creating an image and will highlight, darken, occasionally crop to create a final image - ditching much of what I photographed and keeping just a few that seem to accurately reflect where I was at the time.  (And sometimes photographs can actually inform or enlighten me about where I was at the time, surprising and illuminating life in retrospect.)

'A minor gripe concerns navigation- it would have been better if the whole assignment and reflections were under one heading, rather three separate posts. Likewise, the navigation is ok at the moment, but if you continue to write and shoot with the enthusiasm that underpins everything (and I seriously hope that you do!!) pretty soon there’ll be a lot of material on your blog, so being able to get round it clearly and efficiently is a must. Lastly, it would be better for my purposes if thumbnail images linked to ones that could be viewed at full-screen a little more efficiently.'

The thumbnails simply enlarge when you click on them in all the browsers I use - Safari, Firefox etc so I don't really understand what is required to satisfy this issue.  Would it be best to have a link to Flickr or my website with all the photos I include at the end of each exercise so they can be viewed as a slide show there? 

I must get on with reading and viewing other people's work and have been recommended some.  I will have to make a special effort with this as fitting everything is (as I am sure it is with most students) always a struggle and this is the area that I allow to fall behind.  I love looking at work but I wish I enjoyed reading about photography as much as I did about sociology/anthropology/psychology.  It would make the task seem much less onerous.

All in all I was pleased with my feedback and feel the start to the course has gone well.

 

A mistake?

The image I think I should have used in the final part of my assignment.
100 ISO, 24mm, f2.8, 1/160 - speedlight set to manual 1/4

Ever since submitting my first assignment for this course last week I have regretted the choice I made for my final image showing contrast within a single photograph.

So this is a post that will be filed under thoughts and reflections as well as being an afterword in the assignment.  I'm not sure if I would be allowed to change the final image after submission if the assignment was going to be counted in the final overall grade for the course so I'm simply adding this as further reflection rather than replacing the actual final image I chose.  For me what matters is the process I have been through - making a decision and then questioning it; and then finding a way to adjust if possible and if not at least record my thoughts.

I set out to take a photograph of my son who is 9 wearing a suit which was relatively expensive especially considering he will hardly wear it because a) he is either in school uniform or jeans as appropriate for a 9 year old boy, b) we are not the sort of family who regularly go anywhere formal, c) it's too expensive to live in the dressing up box where his nylon £5 suit which he wore when pretending to be Doctor Who (David Tennant) resides, d) he hardly dresses up in play now anyway as he seems to have moved beyond that unlike his younger brother who is 6.

As well as wearing the suit he is standing in a room that is very chaotic indeed.  I venture in periodically to tidy up and disinfect but I tend to leave the room alone on a day to day basis as it is not mine.  The room is filled with very childish toys which he rarely looks at now apart from the Lego.  It also has a baby motif on the wall as we are renting and I have not removed it.  So there are symbols of various stages of childhood in the room.

As well as the all the outer contrasts  - a grown up expensive suit more commonly seen on adults in the corporate world where we presume (perhaps mistakenly) that order and structure reign, childish toys, a chaotic room filled with childish toys, no shoes - there are also contrasts evident in the face and body language of my son.  He is still very much a little boy but he is growing up and beginning to get a sense of what it might feel like to be a man.  He is sweet and kind but also brooding and angry and determined to present an image of himself that is at odds with how is when he is free, running round the playground laughing about things young boys laugh about.  His manner in the string of photos I took is quite an extreme example of a male boy presenting a very tough exterior which denies but reveals the insecure inner child who cries and gets upset when computer time ends or worse is banned, or who flies off the handle about seemingly small things.

Finally, the last contrast is the way he looks straight into the camera but is actually hiding behind his gesture.  So he looks like he's being very upfront but in fact he is not.  I gave virtually no direction other than asking him to stand in a certain spot.

When I took the photo my other children sidled in on a couple and I loved the extra contrasts they offered - which I speak about here.  But the photograph I chose for the final part of the assignment is technically flawed and it's quite obvious.  So I think on reflection I should have stuck with my original idea and used a photo that was as I'd imagined and conceived, plus better technically. 

In a way the individual child is more striking, not least because of the gesture.  I think after all it is a much stronger image than the one I originally posted.

Finally, I don't think I mentioned the reason for using black and white.  The mess in the room is so overwhelming that I felt removing one dimension, colour, would make the image stronger.

Assignment 1 - Single image with contrast

Growing 

100 ISO, 24mm, f2.8, 1/160 - speedlight set to manual 1/4

Since posting this I have added an afterthought here.
I hope this afterthought (and the image it contains) can be considered as the actual final image rather than the one above but if not then at least my learning process is evident.

I am very annoyed with myself.  I have spent the last week really getting to grips with using high apertures when taking photographs of groups.  I tend to use f2.8 for close up portraits and my camera is often left in that setting.  I was originally planning to take a photo of my oldest son in his suit and so had the camera set at f2.8 but should absolutely have changed it to at least f5.6 for this - even if it was just him.  I think the habit of using very low numbers is related to the fact that I am trying to also take photos of families and I know the fashion is for soft out of focus backgrounds.  (Even though I am aware that narrow depth of field isn't all about low apertures it's a trap that I have failed to resist keeping away from) However, having thought so much about it this week I am pleased that I achieved some good photos yesterday using higher values and wish I'd thought more clearly when taking this image.  It's probably important to remember that fashion doesn't necessarily need to be adhered to here and it might have worked very well to have everything pin sharp even in the background.

The other thing that I have got to grips with this week is focal points.  I have become aware that many photographers use the central focal point and then re-compose before pressing the shutter.  I have tended to stop and move my focal points around which is very limiting.  So I am getting used to doing things with the central focal point and recomposing as others do.  I was quite nervous yesterday but it seemed to work pretty well.  I still changed points when doing close up portraits though.

In this photo my middle son is most sharp - which is a mistake, although perhaps an unconscious moment on my part, revealing yet more contrasts.  I have been worrying about him recently although that changed by the end of the week and started worrying about my oldest.

I have chosen this photo for my final image despite it's lack of technical expertise - is that crazy?  I can't re-shoot it  The room is tidy, the moment has passed.  It wasn't quite what I planned but I like all the different contrasts in it.  I am currently reading Manhood by Steve Biddulph and this photo seems to illustrate the transition from sweet adoring open baby to sullen, uncomfortable with his difficult emotions, pre-teen perfectly.  I wanted to take a photo of my oldest son, still very much a child, wearing this suit that he was bought and which he wore for a dressing up day to school.  The mess in the room, common in childhood and an expression of his chaotic way of being contrasts with the somewhat ridiculously expensive suit, more typically seen on an adult and in an office.  Each of their faces reveals a different emotion, attitude and relationship with each-other and the world.  The iPad is so different to the toys that litter the floor - Lego, puzzles, teddies.  Old fashioned toys vs the ultimate modern toy.  I like this photo even though it's technically a mess and one that I would reject if someone was paying me - one of many inevitable losses when shooting wide-open, and without strobes.

Here are some others from the same moment - some of them with much better focus but without the two younger ones.  Both are shot with same values as before.

Assignment 1 - Reflection

Look at the assessment criteria for this course: review how you think you have done against the criteria.

I think I am probably just about technically competent in the main although still have a great deal to learn, and recognise where I have failed to be competent - even using some less than competent work at times.  I would say that every time I do a shoot I learn and the handle I have on it all improves (probably far slower than I'd like).  I can see many examples of images where I cannot understand what I was thinking regarding the values I chose - such as using f1.8 when I really should have gone for something a lot smaller (higher number).  I also tend to leave the values where they are when I should change them.  Even though I did feel I understood this all quite well I think I have absorbed and understood it more profoundly just recently.

I have struggled to work out how Blogger works best so I can present everything clearly but I hope I have managed to get round things.  My system might be a little odd - I hope not. Being ordered and clear takes an enormous amount of thought and effort.  I think I could also find greater levels of flair and professionalism in the way I present everything - I suspect it's done in a rather pedestrian way. 

I have without a doubt been influenced by reading about, seeing and reflecting on other people's work since starting this course and I can see it filtering through to other areas of my photographic life.  What this means often is I am seeing the gulf between what I want to achieve and what I am actually achieving.

It feels weird to think I might be assessed (if I go that route) on my creativity.  Creativity is something, of course, that can be developed and revealed but I am who I am - and perhaps I'm never going to be the most creative person in the world.  I am painfully aware of my limitations and have in the last year or so decided not to allow those limitations to prevent me from taking risks and putting myself on the line.  'Finding a voice' is a lifelong project and one that always seems just out of grasp but I do feel as if I have taken steps recently and am perhaps moving closer. 

Looking at my work I can see where I have put myself on the line - the mere fact I am here at all says a lot.  But that doesn't stop me from recognising examples that might be derivative of other people's art that I might have seen and remembered consciously and otherwise.

I am concerned that my reflections and other written work is far from academic.  I chat away and perhaps it's not always appropriate but it feels more enjoyable than writing in a dry and very serious way.  I'm not sure where I'm meant to be in relation to that.

Object in different positions in the frame

2 - Object in different positions in the frame

4 photographs placing the subject at different points in the frame

I took these photos with this project in mind and then dismissed them.  I thought they were simply too boring.  But after several further attempts I have decided to use them.  I like the colours but think I should have paid more attention to the photography ensuring I had more detail.  I like the bobbing about that these little plastic toys do.  I love that my son plays with them most nights - although his favourite thing is to throw them and a good deal of bath water out onto the floor.  I prefer the first one out of all. - All shot at ISO 400 10mm f2.2 1/15.  I should have bounced the speedlight off the ceiling and increased my shutter speed.

A sequence of composition

I hated this exercise.  I put it off and put it off and put if off.  I cringed as I was doing it.  There were a few short sequences but nothing that felt very satisfying.  Everything was too transient and I was too uncomfortable.  I didn't feel connected to any of it.  I don't like photographing in 'public' in this way and I know I am not alone in this.  I imagine you need to be a certain type of person to go out and do this sort of thing and I guess it's partly about confidence but also a little about believing you have the right to go about photographing people you don't know.  And I don't feel that at all.  In fact I feel horribly ambivalent about street photography.  I know there is a long tradition of it and some very famous names who have produced amazing work are street photographers but I hate the idea of stealing moments and faces and making judgements about others that lead to taking a photo.   It doesn't feel right at all.  I felt very uncomfortable today.  I put the camera (Sony RX) on AV and wandered around Clapham Junction trying to find a sequence and failing - not so much 'making' photos as grasping desperately for anything that might fall my way.  I think I would have fared better with a procession or march as I might not have felt so intrusive but there were none to be had and I didn't want to delay this further. 

ISO 800 10mm f8 1/320

ISO 800 10mm f8 1/200

ISO 800 10mm f8 1/250

ISO 800 10mm f8 1/1600

ISO 800 10mm f8 1/80

ISO 1600 20mm f8 1/250

ISO 1600 20mm f8 1/1000

ISO 1600 20mm f5.6 1/800

ISO 1600 20mm f5.6 1/2000

ISO 1600 20mm f5.6 1/2000

ISO 1600 37mm f5.6 1/2000

ISO 1600 15mm f5.6 1/1600

ISO 1600 37mm f5.6 1/2000

ISO 1600 37mm f5.6 1/1600

ISO 1600 37mm f5.6 1/1600

ISO 1600 37mm f5.6 1/800

ISO 1600 37mm f5.6 1/1250

ISO 1600 21mm f5.6 1/1000

ISO 1600 21mm f5.6 1/1000

ISO 1600 21mm f5.6 1/640

ISO 1600 37mm f5.6 1/2000

ISO 1600 37mm f5.6 1/2000

ISO 1600 37mm f5.6 1/2000

ISO 1600 37mm f5.6 1/500

ISO 1600 37mm f5.6 1/320

ISO 1600 37mm f5.6 1/320

ISO 1600 17mm f5.6 1/400

ISO 1600 17mm f5.6 1/250

Slowing down, allowing things to be absorbed, understood and felt.

 

Mirror

Slowing down, allowing things to be absorbed, understood and felt.

I mentioned in my last blog that one of the surprising and unexpected things about being on this course is that it is forcing me to slow down.  Which is a good thing, I think.  Not ideal to try to run before you can walk but something I am prone to try and do.  By noticing that I was rushing through the exercises and making mistakes I have resolved that I must take a breath and stop trying so hard to reach some indeterminate goal. 

This has had a knock on effect and I feel under less pressure to promote the commercial work I have begun to do – although I do not think I should give up promoting, just that I don’t need to charge at it, marketing as aggressively as I dare (which probably isn’t very much at all) but instead allow it to unfold gradually and build at a pace that is sustainable and fits in with my life as a mother of very young children. 

It also means I feel less crazed about making sure I get this course done as fast as possible – I don’t mean to leave it to the last minute or to dismiss it but instead to get as much out of it as I can, given the restrictions and limitations of my existence. 

And the biggest paradox about slowing down is that one of the reasons (and there are a few) I was drawn to do this course was because I wanted/needed to try and push some very painful emotions away, to fill my head and life with activities and thoughts in order to avoid facing hurt.  

So there has been this conundrum: I want to express myself through photography.  One of the things to express surely is the enormous sense of rage, fury, distress, hurt along with whatever else emerges as time passes – I don’t want to bang on endlessly about one thing at all but this is what is in me at the moment.  I do hope to do it in a way that is cathartic and helpful rather than self-abusive and destructive.  And I hope photography will allow me to do that.  But, whatever else is true, I cannot find a voice to do any of this if I’m running too fast in order to avoid actually feeling any of it.  It’s hard.  It’s extremely hard.  But my adult-long ‘project’ has been to find some authenticity which has not always been easy and it would be a shame to give up on that at now.  I have to feel this stuff in order to express it.

Knowing and understanding how that all actually unfolds isn’t straightforward and I don’t think it would help me to try and be prescriptive.  I cannot and do not want to unveil the intimate details of what I have experienced these last two years.  I’m not interested in revealing titillating facts or bashing other human beings.  But I do want and need to somehow ‘vocalize’ what’s inside me.  And maybe even to scream about how very disturbed some accepted and ubiquitous aspects of our society seem to me.

********

Slowing down has given me time to think, perhaps.  It is an unfamiliar way of being and one that I hope to learn and become more accustomed too. I have been thinking about one of the articles I read in the copy of Uncertain States another student kindly sent me.

Agatha A Nitecka (AN) is a portrait artist/photographer who comes from a psychoanalytic background who states in her article that she has always been concerned by the intimate and how it is shared, I was immediately drawn to her photographic work and to her accompanying words.

I was intrigued by her statement about how a photographer and subject should ideally be actively engaged in order to create something artistic rather than a mere likeness which would be valid as a record but not terribly interesting thereafter.  I would say I prefer to avoid ten-minute sessions with any subject if I can (although I sometimes work for an event company where I am required to do just that and the challenge is to be as authentically engaged as possible in that brief time), to become involved, to share a moment with the people I photograph and to allow that shared moment to inform the result – the photograph.  But I have been looking at things slightly differently to AN, and I wonder if I have been undervaluing my presence in the whole scenario - and not only whilst taking photographs.

AN says ‘if the photographer tinted the photograph with their presence and captured the togetherness of the encounter – then the viewer can participate in the experience shared and hopefully feel a similar flutter of emotion.’  I feel I have been imagining that one of the reasons that several people have said my photographs of people are full of character and that’s what they like about them is because I am so adept at allowing myself to disappear, and therefore allowing the subject to emerge as fully as possible.  I now question this – do I actually allow myself to disappear?  Has my tendency towards ‘co-dependency’ meant somehow I become absorbed by the Other while working?  Am I wrong to think this is actually what happens?  Or do I simply engage with the subject just enough to enable her to emerge? Because let’s face, it if I were not engaged then the subject wouldn’t be engaged and there would be no photograph full of personality.  So maybe I am fully engaged as a defined individual but could afford possibly to be more engaged? I don’t know the answers.

This has given me a lot consider – I never give very much direction.  I chat.  And I ask the subject to chat back.  Not always but that’s been my way of working – friendly, unassuming, deliberately not bossy.  Maybe I could stop chatting a little though and allow the subjects to stop chatting and a more meaningful experience might be photographed.  I don’t know.  Maybe I need to trust that I am also part of the experience not just someone capable of setting the exposure values and pushing the button.

Another thing AN said in her article is that ‘it is the internal reality that is considered subjective and the external reality that is considered objective’ and she then continues to say that the Winnicottian third dimension, the shared intermediate reality that becomes the potential space – space I presume in this case for the photograph to be made.  I was very interested in this because I wondered immediately about the objectivity of external realities – really?  Is that how external reality is considered?  This is really news to me, although perhaps more so in light of my recent experience.  External realities have all seemed pretty subjective which makes the shared experience a tenuous, conflicted and difficult place to be.  Maybe that’s why I chat when working with the Other – to avoid that difficult tenuous shared experience that seems to me so scarily subjective and dotted with an alien landscape.

The subjects in ANs work seem to me lost, vulnerable, deeply saddened.  And very afraid of the shared space… Am I projecting my own identified fear onto her photographs?  I’m not sure.  Perhaps. 

*********

I ordered some colour calibrating software this week.  It had been on my long list of things to do for sometime but I didn’t really see the point so it got shoved to the bottom.  Well, I noticed how weird some reds were and it finally clicked.  So now it’s here.  And I really do notice the difference.  Will get there with all this stuff eventually.  But slowly, slowly.

Positioning the horizon

7– Positioning the horizon

6 photographs placing the horizon at varying levels.

The first thing I notice as I look at these is that in not one have I put the horizon slap bang in the middle which surely I should have done.  I must also add that finding a clear horizon in London is tricky so I hope this suffices as 'unbroken and clear - although I fear it may not.

I have found this exercise tricky because I am not comfortable with any sort of landscape.  I cannot say if these are interesting photographs and although I like the colour of the water and the waves, they might not be something I'd spend time looking at if I'd not taken them myself for this exercise.

I do prefer the portrait versions at the bottom of the page.

Focal Lengths and different viewpoints

5–Focal lengths and different viewpoints
2 or more photographs of a scene/subject taken with different lenses but trying to achieve a similar structure by moving your own position – note the differences.

 ISO 400 70mm f5.6 1/250

This photo has a very different quality to the one below taken with a wider angle.  Here the bench opposite in the background seems related, mirroring but far away and much, much smaller.  It's impossible to get a straight line because the bench is slanted or the ground is slanted - nature.  I converted it to black & white because it suited it I thought.  The bench is very much part of the landscape.  I like how the trees mirror the legs.

ISO 400 24mm f5.6 1/250

I sort of preferred this when I first looked at both images even though it's overexposed in the sky - maybe that's ok (although I understand that printing overexposed photos is a problem).  The bench looks less uniform, less regular, more alive even.  The trees in the back look like they are dancing and there is no second bench mirroring this one here.   The bench feels much more imposing and nearer than the one above.  Maybe it seems to be relating to the viewer here whereas above the bench just is - above the bench does not seem to care whether the viewer sees it or not, it's part of something that will continue with or without the viewer. 

I like both photographs now, although I think I might be beginning to prefer the first one the more I look.  The second one feels more familiar - a bit messy, overexposed but present.  The first one seems somehow tentative, less noisy but perhaps sturdier? 

Cropping

9 – Cropping

Find 3 earlier examples of work and crop to see if you can see different pictures within the photographs you have already taken

Cropped version of a photograph below that I hadn't done anything with, taken earlier this year.  I tried several crops but was most surprised and delighted by the one posted here.  I liked the abstract nature of it.  My eldest son took a photograph of the reflection of lights on water when he was 5 and it was a wonderful photograph (which we had printed but has sadly gone missing).  I also noticed Joel Meyerowitz (video posted by Richard Down on the OCA Facebook page) had a beautiful image which reminded me of my son's photograph.  The resolution is obviously lessened by cropping and I have cropped less and less as times has gone on.  I certainly don't tend to do dramatic crops and sometimes crop in-camera too close, cutting it fine and giving myself no room for manoeuvre.

I watched a video of Jared Polin (Fro Knows Photo) giving a lecture to some students and he was pretty anti cropping and I get why.  I also see that this exercise can help you to see things differently - change your expectations.

Photo: ISO 400 10mm f4 1/640

When I printed these I was most delighted by the print quality which was very poor as it was on A4 paper rather than photographic paper as I could only find small paper and the exercise asked for large prints.  I'm thinking we needed to do it on large paper to see if there was any loss of resolution and I guess there would be but it would depend how much you cropped by.  My mum uses her zoom lens and then crops the a small bit of detail so by the time she has her final image the resolution is really poor - but it makes her happy that her camera is so clever and can see things from so far away.  I think it might be an interesting project if the intention behind that was itself interesting as the poor quality could be something worth playing around with.  I've realised recently that intention is crucial.  Anyway, I liked the print quality of these prints  - it was as if it they been painted with these images in particular because of the colours.






ISO 200 20mm  f4.5 1/40

This image (3) was one from one if my very first baby shoots earlier this year although not one that was edited and sold  - I think I've done about 5/6 family shoots now.  I cropped into the sleeping face and don't think the crop does anything that another photo would have done better - I prefer the original at the bottom of the page. 

 

I've cropped right in and the hand looks almost plastic - on my screen you can clearly see the pixels.  It lacks any clarity and sharpness.

I prefer this out of these three examples because the point of the photo  is to see the whole vulnerable baby.  He's not even mine and I think 'aaaah!' when I see him lying there with his little monkey typical in baby pose.  We've evolved to be cute as infants so as to elicit feelings of protection, from what I understand, and this baby is fulfilling his evolutionary expectation in spades.



ISO 100 44mm f2.8 1/100