When I first had this vague idea about working as a photographer I don't think I knew what sort of photography I'd try to do. Photojournalism seemed too demanding considering I have a young family to care for. Fashion couldn't be more far removed from my life and as with photojournalism I feel I'm probably too old to try and enter that particular arena. Portrait photography seemed like a natural direction to head towards rather than landscape, or product or pet photography for instance.
I started with actor's head shots because I used to be an actor and wondered if I might be able to earn any money doing that at a time when earning a living and still being available for the kids became a pressing issue in my life - but to be honest I'm not sure at the moment if I will earn a living that way in the end, although it gave me something to get to grips with while I gained some experience.
I never thought I'd even try family portraiture as the market seemed saturated and there is a very definite style people seem to like which I don't think I'd be any good at, although some form of collective-conscious influence is very strong, making it hard to remain original - so perhaps I could end up doing that sort of photography albeit not as well as others do. It's not that I don't like that style, and can see why people are attracted to it, but it's just a bit ubiquitous, likely to date and in some instances reliant on a handful of proprietary Photoshop actions which isn't what interests me - although I do use a couple of actions myself (I'm not against finding tools to make work easier or quicker at all). I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm more interested in exploring what I want to do in a way that is particular to me.
Anyway, this preamble is all leading to discussing what sort of photography I chose to do this weekend. I'll start by saying there is much about it that I absolutely hate. I mean really hate. I don't know if it's just because the hours mean being away from the children for far longer than I am comfortable with. Or because nearly everything time I've done it (about 6/7 times in the last 5 months) it's been extraordinarily stressful in part because I don't know what I'm doing and am very much outside my comfort zone, but also because I'm not entirely in a charge as I'm working for someone else so little things aren't as I'd like - although as I learn I can make adjustment and stipulate certain things such as insisting on plenty of spare paper/ink cartridges so when things go wrong I don't lose an hour trying to fix it. Perhaps the fact that I'm not earning what the company I'm working for is earning -far from it and it feel more than a little annoyed by that - doesn't help at all.
However, the thing I think I hate more than anything is the fundamental business model. It's simply all about making money (although not about me making money - ha, maybe I'd find it less uncomfortable if that wasn't the case). The conflict for me is that I really need to earn a living and potentially might be able to with this work if I change the dynamics of the relationship with the owners of the business so that I'm not being 'pimped' out to take rubbish photographs for a flat fee while the business rakes in a fortune!
I'd better explain what the work is - the company sends photographers out to events, sometimes corporate parties, sometimes children's ballet or drama schools for example and then the photographer sets up a mini studio, shoots a whole bunch of photos and sells prints on the spot for £10 each. I said yes to doing the work initially because I thought it would be a great opportunity to learn very quickly. And I was right. I have learned a great deal and continue to each time I venture out in that company's name. Things go wrong, you have to fix them; you have seconds to help people relax and capture something that they will want to buy. But all in all the work is not terribly satisfying at the moment, extremely stressful and if I were to pursue it I would really want to able to focus on producing work that is as good as it can be under those circumstances.
The only reason in my mind for pursuing it is because it may be a route to earning enough money to raise my family if I were to do it regularly. Of course, it may all be academic because I think I have to be clear that I'm not prepared to do it any longer for the relatively low flat fee I've accepted up to now.
This weekend I photographed a children's drama school and the owner was a highly skilled acting practitioner who really cared about passing on her knowledge in a way that is accessible to children. The work consequently was of a very high standard. Lots of excellent, expressive physicality which gave me something quite substantial to work with especially with the older children. That made certain moments far more enjoyable than they might otherwise have been. In the past when taking photographs of office workers or soldiers at the annual Xmas party I have been genuinely pleased by the creativity of some individuals. Those moments just about make it worth it. If I could be less stressed and worried about the set up and my shaky technical abilities then perhaps I could work at finding and encouraging more of those moments.
I know this reflection isn't really about the art of photography but it has been helpful for me to look at how my relationship with photography is developing. I know from my previous research that Sally Mann and some of the early big names in photography art were not above doing this sort of commercial work at all - so there is absolutely no reason I should be. But I have to find a way that makes it work for me; and I have to find a way to stay connected to the sort of work I really enjoy doing - which is hard because I don't think I've quite identified what that is yet! Expressiveness - that's what is really important to me. But in what form I'm not sure yet.
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