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Blog No. 2
It has a been a week since my first blog and I have been thinking a
great deal about what I hope to get out of this course, prompted I’m sure, by a
growing sense of panic about HOW and a WHY?
Not only is the time management aspect more than a bit of a worry
but I have briefly looked at other learning blogs and also begun to read the
text that arrived with my OCA folder and dipped into one of the reading list
books about composition.
I'm no Shirley Valentine but it's nevertheless daunting to read
blogs that come across as scarily academic, and to read examples of
assignments, that at this point in time are almost meaningless to me.
And as I read about Diane Arbus' "Identical Twins" and “A Family on the
their Lawn one Sunday in Westchester”, in particular, I can't help but feel
overwhelmed, intimidated and extremely lacking.
As I write, however, I am becoming conscious of my life-long habit,
one which I believe has held me back or at least prevented me from taking risks
in the past, of allowing my Walter Mittyish fantasies to somehow dominate and
stifle any growth and exploration. In
other words I can only do what I can do, and develop in my own time at my own
pace – but the pressure to live up to grandiose and nonsensical internal
fantasies (ludicrous expectations) makes that all but impossible.
I must remind myself I'm certainly used to reading, and have enjoyed,
relatively academic texts about subjects other than photography during the last
few years so even though a part of me feels woefully uneducated, and unprepared
for this course, I am utterly capable if I allow myself to be who I am at and
in the moment.
As far as WHY goes I recall that I have often stood with people in
galleries staring at prints, perhaps in a collection nominated for an award, or
curated in world famous galleries, and wondered what on earth I was missing.
“That's fantastic”, a companion might have said in awe and I have more
than occasionally thought, “really????” – what is it about that that is so fantastic,
and why can’t see it?” I’d like to have
at least an informed inkling, and be able to agree or disagree based on a
semblance of knowledge rather than feel simply out of my depth.
(That's not to say that I can't and haven't appreciated work in my
undereducated state. I'm fairly bright and creative, and can and do respond
instinctively to images. And despite the
exhaustion most parents of young children experience, I am certain I still
possess some level of cognitive activity!)
But that’s not the main reason – being able to feel ‘clever’ in a
gallery isn’t really a reason (or is it?)
Why HAVE I taken on this task, given myself an achievable but possibly
punitive goal when I already have an extraordinary amount on my overburdened
plate?
I want to take better pictures.
Surely this would happen anyway with experience (as advised by the tutor
of the extremely helpful but comparatively shallow – and I don’t mean that
pejoratively - PI course I took last year).
Instead of spending my precious and limited time reading about
photography and its history, contextual relationships, science background and
theory of composition, light and the rest of it, shouldn’t I be sitting on my
business Facebook Page, which I routinely ignore, and promoting myself? Because I have this last year believed that
the overriding motivation which has led me to take risks that I would never
have taken in the past has been about making a living: about saying to the
world and my ex-husband in particular, “I can look after myself and my three
children and I can do it well!!!”
My economic well being is certainly a consideration and having a job
that might fit in with my desire to be an available mother is another. To feel less undereducated too. But clearly there is something other than
that at work here. Otherwise I would be
on that dreaded Facebook page offering competitions and other hooks to draw
potential clients in rather than sitting here writing this blog and planning to
read a few more pages of Graham Clark’s, The Photograph afterwards. Or, rewinding a few months, I would have
attempted to go back to work in the City with a guaranteed salary when my life
changed so dramatically and I rudely discovered I needed to reach a point where
I might earn some money for the first time in 10 years.
The truth is I don’t actually know why I’m doing this course. It seems a good thing for me to do, despite the fears. All of the above is driving me, of course, but
mostly I’m very pleased to be doing it (although truth be told I've not really done anything yet - except read). And maybe that’s enough to know for now. To know that I am pleased. (And a little bit scared!)
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